6
months ago I still struggled with irrational fears. That she'd be hurt,
kidnapped, or worse. Then, just like that a voice said "you continue to
cling on to your daughter to hide from yourself."
6
months ago I was still lost, i was still somewhat broken. I was still waiting
for that thing, that chance, that shot, that purpose thing everyone talked
about. 6 months ago I was still mourning my daughter's departure, even though
she was home from college. I was still mourning our lives together, the one
before she went off to start her own. 6 months ago my life seemed to stand
still while everything aroudn me seemed to change. I had a new home, new roommates,
new life, what was I suppose to do now? 6 months ago I was trying to live the
life I said I would after my baby left home. I didnt have the funds to travel
like I said I would, I dint have the drive that I thought i would, and
more important I dint have the excitment I thought i woul feel. I cried for
what felt like 3 days straight after she left for college. Then, I numbed my
pain by working 10-12 hours days. Too exhausted to feel the pain of an empty
house.
6
months ago I thought it was possible to have someone in my life for 18 years
and then just move on like it was part of life.
6
months ago I still struggled with irrational fears. That she'd be hurt,
kidnapped, or worse. Then, just like that a voice said "you continue to
cling on to your daughter to hide from yourself." I was afraid of losing
her, but in truth what scared me more was that I was losing myself. It
wasn’t just my daughter departure I had to mourn, but the old me as well. I
tried to reconnect to the woman I was before her. Before I became, mom. In
truth, there was no use to. Giving birth at 19 meant I never was a use to. I
just went from what felt like childhood to parenthood like a tilt of the head,
from one perspective right to another. I never had the chance to lose me,
because I never fully became who I was meant to be. 6 months ago I could have
said I wanted to focus on my child at the time, truth is I clung to her then
for the same reason, fear. She gave me strength when I felt I had none. She
gave me purpose when I though the world forgot to assign me one. In truth I was
stuck! I couldn’t go back and shit I had no idea how to move forward. 18 years
trying to find me while raising her. Always feeling like I had to choose and many
times feeling like I was choosing wrong. Regret would set in and I wondered if
I did enough as a parent. Having my daughter tell me that I shouldn't
regret a thing because to go back and change anything would change who she is.
And then she said something I'll never forget. "I like who I am!" I
wanted to like me too. Now I had my chance and I was letting myself be
paralyzed by grief and fear.
I
once heard something has to die in order for something to live. What do you
have to let die? What will you give birth to? As 2017 comes around before we
plan for what's ahead my hope is you'll take time to reflect on what 2016
taught you.
