This post is in connection to GG Renee’s #30Layers30Days series of self discovery. If you like to follow along for some serious soul reconnecting and self realization make sure and head to her site at AllTheManyLayers.com for more info. In the meantime I'll be sharing me journey here.
Day 5...
I’m looking at this child and my biggest responsibility is not to kill her, starve her, or hurt her feelings. Her face is full of these little red bumps and although I have like 50 little brothers and sisters (ok only 6 at the time) I can't for the life of me figure out what the fuck caused it.
She doesn't seem to be bothered, she’s happy/ content, but all I can think is...I’m the worst mother ever. I’ve failed.
I manage to get a doctor’s appointment and on our way we go. Outside of the doctors I take a moment and begin to cry. There I sit sobbing, 19 and with a 3 month old, I feel hopeless as a mom. I should know what’s wrong with her I tell myself. I mean what kind of mom doesn't have instincts? For some reason when she was born that bond, that connection, that “instinct” people talked about skipped me. I manage to pull myself together and take my baby girl in for her appointment. As it turns out its only a little rash all babies get and with a light prescription the doctor tells me “she’s going to be fine” and sends me on my way.
Even the doctor seems to think I have this under control. I managed to fool everyone except myself. I’m not equipped to be a mother.
Cut to a week later and the little red bumps are gone, but my instincts as a mother still have yet to make an appearance. I find myself at a mall restroom with a friend she needs to change her baby and there's no changing table. She simply leans her back against the wall and positions herself like she’s sitting on a chair and proceeds to change her baby on her lap. How clever is that I think. I ask her where she got that idea from and she looks at me like I’m sort freak and says “my mom."
Then it hits me...oh that’s what a mom is for.
Since being kicked out of my mother's home at 13 along with my sister I refused to think of her. My mother's excuse for kicking us out was that her boyfriend no longer wanted us there. All my anger and resent helped me blocked her out and for years I only thought of the woman twice. That, I realize was a defense mechanism but now at 19 it was evident, even if not right away, that I needed a mother’s guidance. I had question with no words. I had doubts with no reference. I had fears with no solace. I felt motherless without knowing it. With no real guidance about motherhood I let what I thought I was missing guide me, my instinct. I allowed the connection to form any way I could. What I found was that when I replaced my anger and resentment with the love I had for my daughter that became my biggest motivation on becoming a better mother.
My mother was never taught compassion or forgiveness.
So I never had any for myself while trying to tackle motherhood. All I knew is that I wanted to be a better mom than my own. Although I felt I lacked several things I was able find forgiveness for my mother even if she never asked for it. Letting go of the resentment allowed me to break the chain of my past. My mother’s mother wasn't very compassionate. She was old school and very very religious whatever happens death/abandonment is God’s will. No need to suffer. “It is God’s way.” So when my grandfather abandoned my mother and my aunt there was no room for emotions or communication. I thought I lacked connection but I had compassion. I understood that without examples, with out teachers, its hard to learn the lessons sometimes. Much less teach others.
I had two great teachers, my mother and my daughter.
My mother taught me that when you're lost and feel broken you may be blinded by what you think love is. That when you don't look at your past you may be forced to repeat it. She also taught me to find answer without a need for questions. Even if those answer must first come from yourself. Why do I do the things I do and how can I change it for the better? My daughter taught me to forgive, to forgive my mother, to forgive myself. To have empathy and realize we are all shaped by our past. And that choice is our greatest ally. A choice to forgive, so that one day we will be forgiven. To understand others so that we may some day be understood. Yes, both of my greatest teachers have been my mother and my daughter because they taught me love in two totally different ways.
