When We Fear Our Greatness

This post is in connection to GG Renee’s #30Layers30Days series of self discovery. If you like to follow along for some serious soul reconnecting and self realization make sure and head to her site at AllTheManyLayers.com for more info. In the meantime I'll be sharing me journey here.

Day 2...

When I launched my first site, Amigapreneur, a site dedicated to women of color who are entrepreneurs. I remember I went hard and fast. I attended so many networks it seemed as though it was a my full-time job. In a sense it was. I don’t remember a weekend or even a week without attending several events. I interviewed people for my podcast and so if I didn't have an interview(s) during the week, along with heavy editing, then I was at a network. Having been laid off with decent severance package allowed me the time and flexibility to attend both paid and free events. I met so many people and made great connections. All the work I was doing started to pay off in the form of creating a great network of women that supported and inspired me. I not only had the support of great women but I was even writing and guest posting for a few sites.

Everything seemed attainable yet when great opportunities presented themselves...

Opportunities that were out of my comfort zone I shied away from them. I remember one particular time being asked to be a panelist for a major event in L.A. and although I had envisioned doing events like these I found myself hesitating. Public speaking terrified me. Even when I had envisioned what it would be like down to what I’d be wearing, how I would have my hair and makeup done, and who I'd be sitting along with. When the opportunities came I froze. The woman that offered it believed I’d be perfect for the panel. What’s more she knew I’d never been on a panel before and she was willing to have me on. I stuttered when she asked and reminded her I’d never done public speaking let alone an event that size. Hundreds of people would be attending the event. Instead of looking at it as an opportunity to get the word out about all the great work I’d been doing I let fear and doubt consume me.

What’s worse the women that I believed in, women of color, who should be highlighted would be put on a back burner because I couldn't grow a backbone.

I needed to be better prepared I thought. I mean I didn't want the woman that suggested me to be humiliated if I failed. I didn't want to let her down. In reality, I dint want to do all those things to myself. So I coward out and being inexperienced seemed like a reasonable way out. She tried to convince me even went as far as saying we could prep before. I simply responded…well if you think I can do it? Sounding more like a question than a statement.

“If you don't believe in yourself I can't do it for you.”

I remember her saying.

She seemed disappointed and ended up suggested someone else. At that time I just remember being relieved. Wew I thought I didn't have to do that and after all I was just thinking of her. Now, I realize I was being selfish. Someone believed in me and what I was doing even when I doubted myself. That should have been enough. Inexperience didn't matter my passion for my work should have been more important.

At the end of the day I think that my inability to make money from my site wasn't my lack of a set business plan or that I should of worked harder.  But that it was my fear of soaring into my greatness that held me back.

I had so many supporters see it for me but I lacked the confidence to see it for myself.

I believe Marianne Williamson quote holds true. We are more afraid of our greatness than we are of failing. We say we want it but when its presented sometimes we coward out. Never thinking anyone would call us on it. Me? Me, we think, not going to happen. I know next time when something is offered that scares the fuck out of me its a sign I should take it.


Picture Source: sabuqube.blog.ryerson.ca